Thursday, July 28, 2011

summer

Lately I'm lost and have been relying more on tumblr pictures than my own words in here. It's summer and for once I just want to relax...feel the sun and stay out of the house, and have no obligations other than a shitty cashier job at night. I'm tired and there is nothing I want other than to write, which I've been compelled to do more and more since I started taking a class once a week. There are things in my brain that keep coming out, and it feels less like writing and more like spilling. Some nights I can't sleep, and I'm too tired to keep typing but the words keep moving past my eyelids and keep me awake. Some things I share in class, others I keep hidden.

School is over. I'm scared for fall, when I will have to stop hiding behind summer and Do Something with my life. I worked so hard to finish school...my "real life" was delayed for so long. But I guess I never believed in a real life for myself, and now faced with it I'm at a loss. I feel incapable of moving forward, and I seem to keep fading further into my past.

I started DBT once a week, and still am not sure what to make of it. It's all familiar, stuff that's been thrown at me for years. But I don't know if I can let myself try.

I started seeing a therapist last week. I was dead set against a woman, and didn't even like this woman the first time I met her. But it's not like anything I've ever done before. I'm broken down into pieces and I talk to them. It's scary and I want to run back into the games I've always played. But maybe it can be different this time.

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