Monday, April 4, 2011

"you cry your needs, bold as a six-week-old kitten"

I collect fathers like fallen change scooped desperately into hollow pockets, abandoned by adult daughters or disappointed sons. It’s ironic, myself a deserted daughter. But these fathers try to redeem themselves and I want their care, any care. I want to be contained and cared for in the purest form. I listen to stories retold over and over, absorb scolding and advice, bask in the glow of the smallest praise and recognition. It’s pathetic, this 20 something grown-up 6-year-old adopting dads who are an imperfect illusion, dying to be the perfect child for the reformed bank robber, the lonely liquor store manager, any older man who will see the fragile broken girl and not cross a line. I wear the pink plastic watch he picked out, ask the right questions, accept rides home, a ragdoll child dying of thirst, whoever you want me to be.

“…pretend I am a person

and love me back into my flesh”~marge piercy


  1. My dear...right now I can't even read your words clearly because I'm so pained by your picture. Please take care of yourself...

  2. you're lovely, but you don't have to worry <3

  3. i do the same same thing... but with mothers...

  4. I think you're pretty neat, so I do worry. Clearly other people are very concerned too. :\ I hope you can start feeling better soon. Do you think it will help when you're done with school? I was so relieved when I was done because I was so miserable there. Plus a month after I graduated I moved 2000 miles away from home. (That was hard, but the best decision I ever made, actually!) So, I'm just hoping that finishing school will really help!

  5. thanks for caring enough to worry.

    I'm actually scared of being done with school; it's really been one of the only sources of structure/identity for me. I know it's time to move on with my life, but I'm really anxious about it. I know what you mean, that school can add a lot of stress, and that moving away from home can help too. Maybe that would be good for me; I still live in the town I grew up in.

  6. I am SO SO SO glad I moved away (far away) from the town I grew up in. It can really be an amazing thing as freaking *scary!* as it is. Really consider it if you can. I know logistics can make it difficult to move.

    I understand what you mean about structure and everything though. My job was all I knew and that's where a lot of my friends were -- my life was tied up in it. It was a big part of who I was. Now that's over and as scary as the future is (finding a new job, "starting over" and such...I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard, but it doesn't serve me well to just worry, worry, worry and dread. We have more control over our destiny than we give ourselves credit for, I think.

    I want to share my favorite quote. "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford.

  7. i know you're right; worry doesn't serve anyone. I'm consumed with worry and fears all the time, and it holds me back. i hold myself back. that quote rings true for me. i know that i constantly limit myself just in my thinking. I'm trying to do things to challenge myself, even if they terrify me and even if they don't go well. I'm sick of standing still and being scared to try.

    It takes a lot of strength to start over. I admire you for trying to stay positive and focus on the present.