Wednesday, December 29, 2010
~The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
I often feel like this black hole. needing needing wanting, unable to be filled up or to hold onto anything. Other times everything is too much, it sucks me in and I can't breathe. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I end every Christmas in tears, whether it's the past hanging over me, the food refused or gotten rid of, an imminent hospitalization, or something unnameable. Yet I don't want the season to be over. I want to walk home at night and see lights around me like hope hanging from wires, walk to the stores and feel like I'm on a mission instead of just wandering. I just want to feel something different. I want things to be different.
Friday, December 17, 2010
"Her bones streak the night
like rising breath in the cold
as she evaporates
from your rooms and life.
photo: Nan Goldin
Why do you gaze in the mirror,
look grave and then smirk?
Something is caught under your nails.
Then it is gone."
I want my bones back so badly it aches. why won't my body obey?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Colder days especially remind me of hibernating in hospitals, months lost to the revolving doors, indifferent to the outside world. Scratchy pink blankets and fluttering white and blue gowns. Dry heated air and cold tile floors against bare feet padding down the hall to scales, or tredded socks shuffling to bathrooms without doors. Wards in winter are safer than in summer, when the windows lock and the restraints on the bed rattle during thunderstorms.
Time measured in meals and staff rotations, discharge dates and tightening clothes. Or how well you can fake a smile.
Friday, December 3, 2010
"Like the Golem, I am makeshift, lumbering.
I rattle and wheeze and my parts
are cannibalized T-birds and sewing machines,
mixers and wheelchairs, hairdryers.
My skin is the paiper-mache` of newspapers
cured with the tears of children
pregnant with hunger. My heart
is the stolen engine of an F-111.
My ligaments are knitting needles, hangers
recovered from the bodies of