Sunday, July 25, 2010

To fail and to live long



"I wasn’t always a monster, I was a saint.

Now, so broken, so,

Addicted to bad ideas & to the blood that runs
from my eyes and my hands and my throat

Though I have grown older & graver,
the great heart of the world remains ever young.
I wasn’t always a monster, I was a prince.

Now, so broken, so.

Because I can

'Cause no one can stop me

'Cause it makes up for things I lost

Because I'm addicted to bad ideas
and all the beauty in this world"



photo by: Me




I wasn't always a monster, but I was broken. And I wish someone had done something, tried to save me, but no one ever did until I was older and they were paid to do it. I'm not saying I wouldn't have fought off attempts, tried to break free, but at least I would have known I was worth saving. Now I'm too old for that, and there's nothing anyone can make me do. I wish that felt free, but it doesn't. It just feels scary. Because maybe all along I was crying out, even when my scars and cuts were hidden, even when I pretended I had eaten and covered everything up with lies and stories. There was still a part of me desperate for someone to see through it, to just know, without me having to say it.

Now my treatment team is gone. I didn't plan on continuing to see them, but it hurt to be let go of, feels like a slap in the face. 6 years together and she acts like this is nothing more than a business. She knew all my secrets, and I want to snatch them back. I feel alone and abandoned. There were times that they were all I had, the only people looking out for me and making sure I wasn't dead. I didn't want to end things like this.

I failed treatment. I didn't leave better, and I didn't leave dead. Instead I continue floating alone in limbo.

3 comments:

  1. i. hear. you.

    they should never have let you go like that. it's so inappropriate, so infuriating. my current therapist tells me every day she will never abandon me, even if i get better or even if i get worse, and i can barely believe her but sometimes it's all i've got. it's too bad not all of them are like her. i'm so sorry.

    xx x

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  2. Oh my dear, I've just been left behind too. I know, I know how hard it is to be abandoned.

    I'm sorry, my love; but you are beautiful and strong, know this, know this. xxx

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  3. I just discovered your blog & wanted to tell you that your poem is absolutley beautiful <3 I relate to your feelings so much & I am so sorry that your team left you. I believe that your wounds run so deep because you feel everything so strongly. There is a beautiful girl inside of you just waiting to be brung out!

    Keep Shineing

    <3Kaity

    ReplyDelete