Sunday, July 25, 2010

To fail and to live long

"I wasn’t always a monster, I was a saint.

Now, so broken, so,

Addicted to bad ideas & to the blood that runs
from my eyes and my hands and my throat

Though I have grown older & graver,
the great heart of the world remains ever young.
I wasn’t always a monster, I was a prince.

Now, so broken, so.

Because I can

'Cause no one can stop me

'Cause it makes up for things I lost

Because I'm addicted to bad ideas
and all the beauty in this world"

photo by: Me

I wasn't always a monster, but I was broken. And I wish someone had done something, tried to save me, but no one ever did until I was older and they were paid to do it. I'm not saying I wouldn't have fought off attempts, tried to break free, but at least I would have known I was worth saving. Now I'm too old for that, and there's nothing anyone can make me do. I wish that felt free, but it doesn't. It just feels scary. Because maybe all along I was crying out, even when my scars and cuts were hidden, even when I pretended I had eaten and covered everything up with lies and stories. There was still a part of me desperate for someone to see through it, to just know, without me having to say it.

Now my treatment team is gone. I didn't plan on continuing to see them, but it hurt to be let go of, feels like a slap in the face. 6 years together and she acts like this is nothing more than a business. She knew all my secrets, and I want to snatch them back. I feel alone and abandoned. There were times that they were all I had, the only people looking out for me and making sure I wasn't dead. I didn't want to end things like this.

I failed treatment. I didn't leave better, and I didn't leave dead. Instead I continue floating alone in limbo.


  1. i. hear. you.

    they should never have let you go like that. it's so inappropriate, so infuriating. my current therapist tells me every day she will never abandon me, even if i get better or even if i get worse, and i can barely believe her but sometimes it's all i've got. it's too bad not all of them are like her. i'm so sorry.

    xx x

  2. Oh my dear, I've just been left behind too. I know, I know how hard it is to be abandoned.

    I'm sorry, my love; but you are beautiful and strong, know this, know this. xxx

  3. I just discovered your blog & wanted to tell you that your poem is absolutley beautiful <3 I relate to your feelings so much & I am so sorry that your team left you. I believe that your wounds run so deep because you feel everything so strongly. There is a beautiful girl inside of you just waiting to be brung out!

    Keep Shineing