Monday, June 14, 2010

the shoes are for dancing not running away

photo:eleanor hardwick

"She has finally discovered the brutality is not inside of her however, there are many roses, there are altars there are stories."


i don't know which direction i am running in. some days all i want is out of this misery, other days i bury myself in it. no one wants to hurt, but how to escape it when it feels deserved and almost safe? i am scared of accepting good things in my life because good feels wrong. what would it mean to give up punishing myself, hating myself? to discover that maybe i'm not inherently wrong and broken? i don't know why that feels so sickening to think about. maybe because it would mean facing everything else, things i can't change or fix, letting it all in and letting it go.


photo: chrissie white


"Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself.
Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything. Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes they catch you."

-francesca lia block

3 comments:

  1. I'm posting as 'anonymous' because I'm too lazy to sign into my other account and that's all. I forget how I stumbled across your blog in the past week but I wanted to say that I love your writing. You are extremely talented.

    I relate to what you're saying here. My RD was asking today why I choose this over living life "fully" by not fueling myself regularly. Something so simple as eating more regularly could completely change my life in a positive way (like make my brain work, be more functional at work, apply to grad school, or really do ANYTHING)& yet I CHOOSE this. Why? I didn't know fully but I knew that taking care of myself felt "wrong" -- like I didn't deserve that; that I need to somehow punish myself. Maybe because my parents never did and I have some sort of issue regulating that, or that I never knew where I stood with anything and it left me feeling uneasy. At least feeling crappy is predictable.

    Keep writing!
    -bananas :)

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  2. thank you so much Bananas. it seems so unnatural that harming yourself should feel so "right" or deserved. I hope we both find a way out of that. you're right; feeling awful is predictable and known, and in that way, kind of safe. feeling good feels vulnerable. maybe the more we take steps toward doing the opposite, the more okay it will feel. that is my experiment at the moment. i refuse to call it anything like "recovery." that word is too scary and carries with it, to me, deserving to feel better. and that is too much to hold right now. but part of me does want to see if something better is possible. i hope maybe you'll allow yourself that too.

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  3. Thanks Echo! I definitely hope that you find something better. I know you deserve it.

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