Saturday, June 19, 2010
" 'I am all one,' we say, triumphant and desperate. The All One condemns us to being no more than a weed in the wall at the same time as it allows us to be the most powerful of sovereigns. For being alone is not only the worst we can experience; it is also the inevitable moment of some of our greatest experiences. In the solitude of our selves we learn something that is otherwise unavailable to us-how to become who we are. This is no small accomplishment. "
-Loneliness As A Way of Life
I, like probably most people, think of loneliness as the worst possible hell. To be completely alone, either physically or emotionally. Yet I also struggle with being around other people, maybe because of that emotional loneliness, at always feeling so separate from others, hands pressed against the glass surrounding me, desperate to connect and know that I'm okay, acceptable. Sometimes even just to know I exist, because all my life I have felt transparent, like a shadow, or a shell of a person. I don't feel real. So much of my life has been spent alone and in my head that I don't feel like an actual human being.
At this time in my life I am less alone than I have ever been. I have someone in my life who loves me, all of me, no matter what. Yet it's so hard to combat that deep loneliness and emptiness.
My goal in life is to turn this loneliness into contentment, into being peaceful within myself. I think that is the ultimate definition of happiness; not needing anything external.