Thursday, April 15, 2010

nothing

nothing much to say except that things have been bad and i don't know what to do. I'm in so deep and i don't see a way out.

the only thing insurance would pay for was two weeks at McLean Hospital's day program. I got out and nothing's changed. if anything it's gotten worse. most days I can't leave the house because i feel too fat and disgusting to be seen. i missed my therapy appointment today because of that, because it took me hours to get dressed and i just sat there, time ticking away, clothes strewn around me, my body gross and exessive no matter how many layers. my head is a funhouse mirror, distorting everything. i dont know what's real anymore.

i don't have a life anymore. i had to leave school because i'm so depressed i can barely move, and am so exhausted from starving myself. I have a job i despise that makes me feel worse about myself. i have no hobbies or passions or identity left. i feel like a nothing, a waste of space.

i don't know how i can keep existing like this. nothing helps. i need a drastic change, something other than the same hospitals I'm forced into over and over, in and out as quickly as insurance can enforce. i can't do any more power struggles, deal with one more person trying to label me and pathologize everything I say, tell me I just don't want to get better and aren't trying hard enough. i'm doing all i know how to do, what i can to stay alive.

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