I think I've stayed away from blogging lately because I feel bad at the tone my blog has taken. It's been pretty negative lately, and while this isn't a recovery blog, I don't want it to be all doom and gloom. I've just been in a really bad place, and with very little support.
After being denied ED treatment, and with the encouragement of my closest IP friend, I decided to increase my intake. It's still not a normal or healthy amount, but it's taken a huge amount of effort both physically and mentally. I would be lying if I said I was doing this for my health; the goal has really been to try to increase my metabolism, since eating next to nothing has had my weight stuck for months now. But I have noticed that I'm thinking more clearly, am less exhausted, and slightly less depressed.
I'm taking digestive enzymes, as food just sits like a rock in my stomach for hours, and they seem to be helping. I'm also sticking to a lot of gentler foods, like fat-free yogurts and cottage cheese, and Odwalla smoothies. I'm constantly fighting off panic at the amount I'm eating, and feeling out of control and scared of gaining. I also feel an enormous amount of guilt over spending money on food for myself, as well as the amount of time spent eating. Because I'm hypoglycemic, I keep eating throughout the day to keep my blood sugar from dropping too low. I constantly feel shakey and hot.
I know if I were in treatment I'd be eating at least twice this amount. But this is all I can handle right now, and honestly I don't want to recover right now. Or rather, I'd love to recover, but I can't let go and can't allow myself.