Tuesday, March 2, 2010

all apologies

I think I've stayed away from blogging lately because I feel bad at the tone my blog has taken. It's been pretty negative lately, and while this isn't a recovery blog, I don't want it to be all doom and gloom. I've just been in a really bad place, and with very little support.

After being denied ED treatment, and with the encouragement of my closest IP friend, I decided to increase my intake. It's still not a normal or healthy amount, but it's taken a huge amount of effort both physically and mentally. I would be lying if I said I was doing this for my health; the goal has really been to try to increase my metabolism, since eating next to nothing has had my weight stuck for months now. But I have noticed that I'm thinking more clearly, am less exhausted, and slightly less depressed.

I'm taking digestive enzymes, as food just sits like a rock in my stomach for hours, and they seem to be helping. I'm also sticking to a lot of gentler foods, like fat-free yogurts and cottage cheese, and Odwalla smoothies. I'm constantly fighting off panic at the amount I'm eating, and feeling out of control and scared of gaining. I also feel an enormous amount of guilt over spending money on food for myself, as well as the amount of time spent eating. Because I'm hypoglycemic, I keep eating throughout the day to keep my blood sugar from dropping too low. I constantly feel shakey and hot.

I know if I were in treatment I'd be eating at least twice this amount. But this is all I can handle right now, and honestly I don't want to recover right now. Or rather, I'd love to recover, but I can't let go and can't allow myself.

3 comments:

  1. Well done for increasing a bit, I know it's scary. If you did want any support with recovery stuff you're always welcome to email me - I had to learn ways to cope with anxiety very quickly last year when I started trying to recover. Take care <3

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  2. Hey--I'm a bit late on this, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and that it's great that you've been able to increase. I'm really sorry that you have so little support. I know that I was pretty much in the same place last year when I started trying to recover. I had really no professional support to go to at and it was so frightening. So I feel for you. Please don't be afraid to email me if you ever want to talk -- Jessie.hyland@gmail.com

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  3. im a little late on this too.. but it is a constant battle for control over yourself and when you are recovering you kinda have to let go a little bit, and let your body be.. yes your metabolism will increase when you eat more- but with low blood sugar you do want to be eating every few hours- even if its small meals.. thats how i have to do it just to keep myself afloat..

    well i LIVE in the boston area.. lol so dont be afraid to email me to meet up either!

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