Thursday, February 18, 2010

"When I try to move my arms sometimes, they weigh too much to lift"

I had therapy this morning. My therapist and I talked about treatment options, and I tried really hard to stay rational. I'm trying to have more control over my treatment and not have everyone else make the decisions like in the past. My therapist talked to Mclean Hospital, and they won't allow me in their behavioral programs because of my eating disorder. They do have an eating disorder program, Klarman, but besides hearing bad things about it from friends (one of whom had escaped through the window), they don't take anyone over 23. I know that my ED should be the main focus, but I guess I didn't expect it to keep me from being able to get any other kind of treatment, and that scares me.

Now there is no other option except an ED program. My treatment team is pushing for residential, but I don't want to or feel like I can. At Walden they usually make you do at least a few days in IP, and I cannot take that again. IP is the most triggering, and I can't go back at this weight. Residential is much better and supportive, but I don't think I can handle being stuck someplace without freaking out. So Partial seems like the best option right now. Which I know I've been going on about for awhile. I think I'm going to have to try, because my life is completely at a stand-still.

That's really hard for me to accept. While my therapist talks about how I need to take care of myself before I can do social work, I start thinking maybe I shouldn't do social work, maybe I should do something that makes it look like I'm functioning/having a life while still being able to hold onto my eating disorder. That's how I think; I don't allow anything to motivate me toward a better life. It's like I'm terrified of betraying my anorexia. Like choosing life or anything good is a cop-out.


  1. I'm sorry you are struggling so much right and I hope you can figure out what the best options for you are. I just wanted you to know that I am reading, I don't have anything intelligent to say, my brain is not working, but I didn't want you to feel like you were talking to nobody! Take care of you!

  2. Yes, I get this. I get this completely.

  3. I used to feel exactly the same way about giving up anorexia--I thought that choosing to have a good life would be a cop-out and that I should change jobs to something would allow me to just go one with my ED. And it was so, so hard to let go of this. So I understand where you're at. I'm so glad that you are reaching out and looking for treatment even though it's so hard right now.