Wednesday, February 10, 2010


I'm not going back to the day program.

I'm just fed up with it. I gave it a chance, but besides getting nothing good out of it, it often makes me feel worse. It's so triggering for me to be ignored in a room full of people. It's just further proof that I'm insignificant, that I need to be blatantly ill to get my needs met.

The groups are huge, as I mentioned, 20 people. They are also mind-numbingly boring. Just about every group consists of being given a hand-out, then going around and reading it allowed. Like, I could read that on my own. They don't expand on it, they talk about it in the most basic, dumbed-down way imaginable.

Last week a man came in for "music therapy." He must've said 5 times that he's a "board certified music therapist", but I wonder how much school that takes because he looked younger than me. he seemed preppy and sheltered, and I instantly didn't feel comfortable with him. but 5 seconds after introducing himself he's stuck a drum in my face telling me to say my name and "play what I'm feeling." I just shook my head, and he pushed the drum closer, with this snarky smile on his face. "I'm Caitlin, and I'm good without the drum." there was awkward silence and a stifled laugh. everyone else after me went along with it. But seriously, I hate that stuff, especially if I don't feel safe or comfortable to begin with. I don't want to act stupid on top of it. Ive got enough problems as it is. I need to at least appear cool while I'm falling apart.

I don't fell close to, or even really know, any of the women in the group, so i don't feel safe enough to share. the staff members have not taken time to talk to me at all, so when they ask me something in group I feel really judged. I feel horrible after the program ends. completely drained and mush-brained from sitting in a 100 degree room all day saying nothing.

My case manager, Brigitte, looks like a brunette, French version of Marcia Brady, but is cold with very little personality. She can't even fake empathy. She wanted me to join the eating disorder track of the program, the aptly named Courage and Connection, but I refused. I wanted to do the groups, but I would have to eat snack with them and bring in my own lunch in compliance with their meal plan. I don't know how I'm supposed to go from barely eating, to going grocery shopping for real food and putting it together in the way they want. That is completely overwhelming. She just said, "Well, you can just eat the cafeteria food." Right, like that's any better, eating their greasy french fries and macaroni and cheese. I think not.

Yesterday, though, she had me go to the nutrition group. I was on the verge of breaking down. the nutritionist was a really kind woman, who talked to us like normal people, without that fake, condescending voice. We went around the room and she just checked in with how we were doing. Actually being asked that question genuinely by a kind voice made me completely fall apart. It was so embarrassing. The 6ft. girl with the voice of a 5-year-old handed me a tissue, but that was it. the nutritionist asked me who my case manager is. I told her, and she just said she'd talk to her. ok? I had just met with her. a lot of good that did. that was it, the group ended, me still with tears coming down my face, and it was lunch time, so I just went for a walk. no one checked in with me or anything. I seriously considered not coming back. I don't know why I did. but that was the last time.

I don't know what I'm going to do. It took so much to leave school, and now I'm just wasting time.


  1. You're having such a horrible time right now. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better or even slightly okay, but I honestly don't know what to say but I'm reading your posts and I am worried about you. It seems like you are completely overwhelmed and feel so horrible about yourself and you have no self esteem. Even the though at the time I was your age, I didn't have an ED, I certainly remember the depression and the hospital admissions and the SI. I will never forget how awful I felt about myself and how I felt no one in the whole world cared if I lived or died. I just want you to know that I care what happens with you. I really want you to be okay and I hope something comes your way that will make you feel a little better about yourself. Thinking of you!

  2. sarah,
    thank you. truly. it's lonely to have words that just go nowhere, that no one hears or understands. but having them really listened to DOES make a difference. I feel so lost at the moment, but thak you for responding and even just reading and hearing matters a lot.