Wednesday, February 24, 2010

small steps

So my intake at Cambridge ED Center was at 8:30am this morning. It was easy to get to, but pouring rain, so I was soaking wet and cold by the time I got there. It was the usual. A half hour's worth of paperwork. Then one of the case managers from the program took my history robotically. She was nice enough, though, and it wasn't all rushed like at Arbour. Afterward, she took me upstairs where the partial program meets. It's so funny how all ED programs look and even smell the same. There was the group room, the same affirmations on the wall, the eating area. She weighed me backward, so I still don't know what I weigh, and took my blood pressure, which she said was low.

The program is pretty typical. 9am-3:30pm, 2 snacks and lunch. Wednesdays you bring your own lunch. If you don't eat 100% you get Ensure, and if you refuse that you get sent home for the day. I love that, that the punishment for not eating is to go home and not eat . There are about 9 people in the group at the moment, mostly around my age, though the youngest is 13 (I hate when there are really young girls in treatment with me; so triggering). There are also 2 males. I'm more nervous about the people even than the food. I don't want to be the fat one. I am terrified of having to really eat, though. Even though I can skip breakfast and dinner if I want at home, it's been a long time since I've eaten even one normal meal. I'm so scared of not being able to handle it physically and mentally. I'm worried they won't take that into account, how low my intake has been for so long, since my weight isn't emaciated.

Anyway, I start tomorrow. I'm trying not to think too much about it. I still have to call Sue to tell her I'm going so she won't send the cops to my house, and that I'm not going to therapy tomorrow or probably ever. I didn't sign the release form, so she can't talk to CEDC. I love how I'm apparently such a high risk and a danger to myself that I need to be sectioned, yet when I didn't call her on monday to check in like I was supposed to, she never called me.

2 comments:

  1. I think it's really good that you've taken this first step. I know for me one of the hardest things was always worrying about how the other patients would see me. But you already know that sickness has nothing to do with weight or being emaciated. You can be sick at all sorts of weights. I hope too that you are able to get through the meals ok.

    I too love how the reward for not eating is going home to not eat.

    Stay strong. **hugs**

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  2. Wow . . . Try your best to be strong xoxox

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