Sunday, February 14, 2010

living in blue

I'm supposed to call the Cambridge Eating Disorder Center for an intake at their partial program. I did an intake there a few years ago. I had just gotten out of IP, and they didn't want to accept me because my weight was still too low. I was desperate to not go back to IP, so I was trying to get into the CEDC evening program after school. I ended up never showing up because I just didn't have the strength to get myself there. It seems like an okay program, and I think it's better than going back to the ED hospital I've been to so many times. This place is near where I live, and it's not actually a hospital.

I'm feeling so stuck about what to do. the rational part of my brain says it's worth a shot, i can use it as a period to regain some brain function and physical strength. it's not like I have to commit to recovery and giving up my eating disorder. Just the thought of starting to eat again terrifies me. I haven't been in an ED program in 2 years. and digesting? if i eat a bowl of vegetables i can barely move for hours, it's like a rock just sitting there.

the ED side of my brain says I'm crazy to "choose" treatment. yes, everyone has been pushing for me to do it. but there isn't that desperation there was all those other times, of people begging and crying and then forcing me into treatment. Now it's me being the "weak" one, who can't handle it anymore. I can't help feeling like I'm weak for letting anything come before anorexia, including my life, school, Nate, sanity. Like if I were actually sick I would stop at nothing.

but now i am nothing. i can barely do anything. so maybe it's worth a try?

My mom works at an elementary school, and one of the kids gave her a heart cookie she made for valentine's day. it was in a plastic baggie, and my mom took it out and begged me to eat it. She told me the girl who made it reminds her so much of me when I was little. She's a tomboy, with long knotted hair, and her best friend is a boy with mental health issues (i was always friends with the special needs kids). she's already starting to be rejected by other girls. so anyway, my mom was telling me I deserve to eat this cookie, to give something good to myself, and to think of how I wouldn't want that girl Samantha to get older and deny herself things. I rolled my eyes and stuffed it in my bag, but it stuck with me. I can never have sympathy for myself as a little kid, but thinking of that little girl ending up sad and hurting herself played in my mind.
so I ate half of the heart-shaped sugar cookie, which was small anyway, and later on I ate the other half. because sometimes eating doesn't feel as bad as being a hypocrite.

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry you are struggling so much. Living with an eating disorder is hard. If you can get your weight restored, which is vital so your mind can be functioning enough so you can participate in a residential/iop/partial program, then you can get into those other programs. In those programs you can really do the emotional work, and that is where the freedom lies - in your self worth. But please, please you owe it to yourself to get into a GOOD program and not a shitty one.