Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I went to therapy yesterday morning, which was hard enough getting out of bed for. But I needed support about applying for MassHealth insurance and coming up with a concrete plan for things. I just needed encouragement and someone to understand.

My therapist, Sue was annoyed because she had let a message for me on thursday about getting an intake at Cambridge ED Center, but I never got it because, like I told her, my phone was shut off. But she acted like that was beside the point; like oh i did everything i was supposed to do and you dropped the ball. I tried talking about friday's meeting at school, and my frustration and loss about not being able to return for a whole year. But Sue just pushed my feelings aside and lectured me about basically how I need to get my act together and "do the work this time," whatever that means. When she starts talking like that I feel even more alone, and like a bad child, who isn't trying hard enough. She said i need to do this program. I said I know, but the reason I haven't made calls isn't just me being resistent. I'm really depressed, and everything seems overwhelming. But no one wants to treat my depression, they just blame my eating disorder. So then she started talking about sectioning me! I said, "i don't meet the criteria for being sectioned. I'm not a danger to anyone, I'm medically stable, and my weight isn't critically low." But she argued that she could do it, that my weight is low (she doesn't even know what my weight is) and I'm a danger to myself by not eating.

I started freaking, because I've been sectioned before and had so many bad experiences. At the slightest hint of that kind of loss of power, I lose it. I told her I wanted to get treatment, but with her threatening me and trying to force things on me, it makes me want to run in the other direction. But she didn't take any time to acknowledge my feelings and fears. It was all about her frustration and not knowing how to help me. I don't fucking need to be sectioned; she just doesn't know what else to do with me. Then she picked up the phone and called Dale down, so I grabbed my bag and was all ready to run. i said, "no way, that means ou're trying to section me, and I'm leaving." She told me I'm not leaving in "this state of mind." you fucking put me in this state of mind! Dale came down, and I just zoned out, shut down. Basically they said if I don't call for an intake in the next couple days they are going to section me.

I called CEDC twice, and they finally called back today. I have an intake scheduled tomorrow at 8:30am for their partial program. I'm supposed to call Sue and let her know what's going on, but I feel sick just thinking about it. I'm not returning to therapy. I'm so tired of treatment being a punishment. I really do believe Sue has gone about things all wrong, even harmfully. I have been starving myself for a long time, with 2 years since I've been in ED treatment. Now all of a sudden it's an emergency? Why wasn't it before? Sue doesn't know my weight, my labs are normal, and it's been months since we've specifically discussed my food intake. So how can she gauge whether I should be sectioned? I get that she's frustrated and doesn't know what to do with me. But you can't just section someone because they have an eating disorder and aren't doing what you want them to do.

Everyone is ignoring the fact that everything truly fell apart when I got off all my meds. While I agree that my eating disorder is a big problem and needs attention, the main reason I dropped out of school and am not functioning is that my depression is crippling. This is how it was 6 years ago, before I was medicated, before my ED even started full-force. This is how bad it gets without a medication. But no one wants to treat that because it must be my eating disorder. So they start me on a low dose of Wellbutrin, which does shit, and don't plan to up it until my prescription runs out next month. Before they were all about meds, now it's all "nothing's going to help until you address your eating disorder." The truth is that no one knows what they're doing.
So I guess it's up to me.

1 comment:

  1. small steps are good. I can imagine how scared you must feel. I have never been IP for my ED so I can't say I really totally understand how you feel but I can certainly think about what you have to do and imagine how that would make me feel. You so brave to go and do the program to start with. Good for you!