Saturday, January 16, 2010

hunger

I'm so tired of being pissed at everyone just because I won't allow myself to eat.

It's taken me a year to be able to admit to my boyfriend when I am hungry. Anorexics aren't supposed to get hungry. It was easier pretending I wasn't; now I can say all I want that I'm hungry and what I'd like to eat, my boyfriend will offer things, but I still can't eat. It makes me frustrated and angry.

It's also weird when your eating disorder becomes the norm, accepted almost. When people stop offering you food or acknowledging that you haven't eaten. Like last night I made dinner for my boyfriend. He always shares it with me, meaning I take a couple bites of what vegetables I make, maybe 2 bites of meat. Maybe. Afterward, there was a commercial for Subway or some crap food, which always looks good when your starving and haven't eaten anything like that in years. I commented on it, which I would only do with him, and he said, "You're still hungry?" What? "We shared dinner like always." Yeah, five bites. I must be stuffed. It's like people see you survive on so little, they start to think that's all you need. So even my non-ED side starts to think they're right; why should I have more than that? That would be Too Much.

1 comment:

  1. I know what you mean about how weird it is when people start assuming that you don't need more than the inappropriately small amount you eat. For me, having people start treating my eating disorder as the norm was paradoxically one of the things that motivated me to recover. It made me feel like everyone had given up on me and accepted that this was the way I was going to be forever. And I didn't like that.

    And I know too what a struggle it is when you feel hungry and feel like you shouldn't be hungry. It was so hard for me to admit that I had hunger like anyone else and that I should honor it.

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