Friday, January 29, 2010

going through the motions

I went to see my therapist on wednesday, and it went better than it usually does when things are this bad; meaning, I didn't get taken away in an ambulance. Sue asked what I would like to happen, and that she thought I should go get evaluated. I said, "That sounds like sitting all night at the ER and then getting sent to Bournewood." that's always what happens. So we talked about that, and then Sue suggested Walden (the eating disorder hospital), and I adamently refused that. No way. I said that the women's trauma program I went to a few years ago was helpful, and a safe place.

Sue called the crisis team that's part of the clinic, to see if they could evaluate me, but they were too far away for me to get to without a car. So she got in touch with Advocates, a local place that evaluates patients and helps, well, advocate for them, and get them into programs. She explained the situation to the counselor there, and said that Bournewood, the psych ward i always get sent to, is out of the question, that I've even filed a complaint against them. She wanted me to go that night, but I convinced her that I was okay enough to wait til the next morning and have Nate go with me.

So I went to Advocates yesterday, and I still can't believe how easy they made things. I met with the social worker, Jen, and she was awesome. She didn't seem that much older than me, but she was friendly and kind and talked to me like a normal person. I instantly felt comfortable talking with her, when usually those types of assessments with total strangers are awkward and uncomfortable, and less than comforting. Especially at the ER, they don't really care what you have to say. they just want to know if you're going to off yourself.

So we went through all the questions and I explained what was going on. She suggested the eating disorder partial program because she was worried about my intake, but I wouldn't consider it. I told her about the women's trauma program that was helpful in the past, so she left the room to make some calls. In less than 30 minutes she got me an intake with the program, got insurance to cover it, AND gave me names of doctors, including one who the ED hospital usually refers patients to. Nothing in my experience with the mental health system has been that simple or gone so smoothly.

My intake at the Arbour women's program is wednesday. it feels far away, but I'm glad to know that there's at least something in place. I just have to hold on.

As I was waiting for the bus after my Advocates assessment, my friend Michele called me. Michele is always honest with me, and I trust her opinion. She can be really irrational when it comes to herself, but she knows me well and is usually spot on. She said she was really proud of me for doing this, but strongly suggested that now that I have time off from school to go back to the Walden eating disorder program. She said that it's good that I have the women's program, it's better than nothing at all, but that I'm running from the main issue. I won't be able to get as much out of it if I'm so malnourished. She said that I want the best of both worlds; I want to get better but not eat, to still have my eating disorder. So even though it looks like I'm getting help with the women's program, it can only do so much if I'm not eating.

And I know deep down that she's right. I'm pretending that I'm doing something to get better. But this really feels like all I can do right now; I'm just trying to not kill myself. I cannot even consider going back to IP at Walden until I've lost enough weight (i.e., back to my lw or lower). Last time Michele was there, as torturous as it was for her to eat, she was at a healthy weight and wasn't required to gain. So even when she ate all of her meal plan she didn't gain weight. Even though I'm not emaciated, I would have to gain, and I can't do that. right now the weight I've lost since my zyprexa-induced fatness is the one thing I hold onto.


  1. I just wanted to tell you that I know what you mean about the psych assessments and the hospitals. It's good that you have the place you will be admitted to set up and you know when you are going. I'm sure you've this a million times by people in the hospital about keep distracted when you feel really bad. I find weekends hard sometimes. I do find though if I do something to stay occupied, although it doesn't take the despair away, it can help somewhat. Good luck with it!

  2. I'm glad you have something in place now, although I agree with your friend. Still, anything is better than nothing. I hope the intake at the woman's program goes OK <3

  3. I'm really glad that you've taken this step. I think it's huge that you have something in place now. I do think though that addressing the eating disorder too is important and something you should consider, but it sounds like at least for now you have something in place. Take care!