Tuesday, January 26, 2010

breaking point

Deep down I've always been convinced that as much as anorexia consumes me, I would always be able to function with it, I'd always be able to do everything that's expected of me and more, in work, school, and anywhere else. For awhile it was true. I spent years fueled on starvation, getting perfect grades and never missing a day of work or class, even when twig legs could barely get me to the bus stop. But now I'm exhausted. Yet I can't give myself a rest because I did so much more at lower weights; there is no excuse to be this weak. I can't look like this and be dying.

I'm at the point where I have to choose functioning over my eating disorder, and I just can't do it. I'd rather have no life then let go, because life is even more unbearable when I'm bigger. I can't do it all anymore. Even when I'm not crippled by despair, physically my body can barely carry me around, and my brain cannot hang onto text book readings or have room to care about anything. I have no more passion or future plans beyond losing weight.

It's my last semester of school, and I don't think I'm going to make it. I made it through one day of classes and one day of placement. I want to be there, I like it, but I'm falling apart. This morning I woke up paralyzed. I knew I couldn't miss classes, but I couldn't move as much as I willed myself. I break down in tears just trying to figure out what to wear. I stare at one sentence in a book and I can't absorb it. I think about the day in front of me and feel like I am drowning.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry.

    I can only say that I understand your situation and that all the words you use emanate something that is very very familiar to me, maybe because it's me... and I instantly care about you without knowing you.

    I sincerely hope you make it or have a change of mind and get help.

    I know there must be a lot of fog around you now and probably you're stressed out because of school and you can't function the way you used to. all of this is natural and no reason to beat yourself up. it isn't.

    you deserve to rest and recover (at your own pace).

    I think that your survival instinct and intuition are still talking to you, maybe with a low voice, but they are. Please listen to these warning signs of immense depression and be careful.

    There is only one real deadline in life and if your studies need to wait because you have to save your life - they need to wait.

    be careful....
    exhaustion (and also the worst case scenario) is not a matter of weight. we know that, don't we... every other thought is the distortion in our thinking, something that serves self-doubts and self-destruction, and thus, has a purpose, alright, yes
    --- but still is not reality.

    please be kind to yourself.
    it does matter.

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  2. Hey Caitlin <3 thank you for the comments on my blog recently. I'm sorry you're feeling so ill at the moment. I really think that people get away with a lot less the longer they have an eating disorder. I used to cope OK at school, but when I was at York last year I literally couldn't continue by the end of January. You sort of accumulate disability. I know what it's like to feel that you can't let up on yourself because you've been worse and carried on, but everyone has breaking points, and like the previous commenter said, people get into serious trouble at all sorts of weights.

    I don't want to come across as sounding like I'm saying that I did it so everyone else should be able to, but maybe the fact that I wrote virtually exactly the same things on LB last year might give you a bit of hope that things can change? I really don't believe that anyone is hopeless - people come back from all depths of this illness. I'm going to carry on believing in you :)

    You are always welcome to add me on MSN/send me a message on facebook if you want to talk - it's katie_cullinane@hotmail.com
    xx

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