Deep down I've always been convinced that as much as anorexia consumes me, I would always be able to function with it, I'd always be able to do everything that's expected of me and more, in work, school, and anywhere else. For awhile it was true. I spent years fueled on starvation, getting perfect grades and never missing a day of work or class, even when twig legs could barely get me to the bus stop. But now I'm exhausted. Yet I can't give myself a rest because I did so much more at lower weights; there is no excuse to be this weak. I can't look like this and be dying.
I'm at the point where I have to choose functioning over my eating disorder, and I just can't do it. I'd rather have no life then let go, because life is even more unbearable when I'm bigger. I can't do it all anymore. Even when I'm not crippled by despair, physically my body can barely carry me around, and my brain cannot hang onto text book readings or have room to care about anything. I have no more passion or future plans beyond losing weight.
It's my last semester of school, and I don't think I'm going to make it. I made it through one day of classes and one day of placement. I want to be there, I like it, but I'm falling apart. This morning I woke up paralyzed. I knew I couldn't miss classes, but I couldn't move as much as I willed myself. I break down in tears just trying to figure out what to wear. I stare at one sentence in a book and I can't absorb it. I think about the day in front of me and feel like I am drowning.