Saturday, December 19, 2009

Everything's fallen apart.

this was supposed to be The Year. What I'd fought through 5 years of school for, amidst hospitalizations and starvation and bleeding wrists. I worked so hard to make it to my senior practicum, an internship with a social work agency. I was placed at one in September that was completely unorganized chaos, so I left after a month. It's now been an entire semester and I haven't been placed anywhere else, no one is helping me. I had an interview last week at a program I wanted to be at more than anything; it'd been so long since I was passionate about something. I got an email rejecting me last night at work. I don't know if I'll be able to graduate in May. I don't know if I can keep trying.

Thursday's therapy was a disaster. I left halfway through, crying and hyperventilating. I don't think I'm going back. Five years with her, of trust and secrets, and I'm worse than ever. I feel such a loss inside me. I don't think I've ever felt so alone.

But maybe all this is good. Maybe now I can stop, stop flailing my arms for help and stop grabbing onto the edge to keep myself from falling all the way. Now I can just let go.


  1. Hi, just found your blog and wanted to send you some support. I know how it feels when you've worked so hard for something and it seems like it all comes crashing down. I don't have any great advice for you but just to let you know that sometimes when things aren't working, there's a reason for it and it means that it's time to try something different.

    You have a beautiful way of writing.

  2. thanks for hearing me, Jessie. I really appreciate you reading and just getting it.