Monday, November 16, 2009

"Words are never enough, just cheap tarnished glitter"

Words have always been hard for me. I guess not always. After around age 5. I have the words somewhere inside me, but when it comes to speaking about myself, I can't do it. I'm better than I used to be. I can now say basic things about myself in therapy, without feeling sick to my stomach for days on end. I started to make process. I can speak in a detached way about the person I present myself to be to the rest of the world. But other than that, my inner self is desperately protected. Partly because growing up, it was the only part of myself I had control of, that I could put boundaries on. But also, it's that my inner self is so fragile and damaged that to risk exposing it to someone else and having them shatter it would be too devastating to handle.

"Since what is inner is minimal and unstable, it cannot be exposed to the risk of a faulty reponse or some dimishment at the hand of others. These people have grave difficulties in telling others of their deepest feelings, their profoudest wishes, and their imaginings...When we expose those experiences, fantasies, and feelings that are paticularly personal and intimate, highly valued, and sensed as part of our core, there is a chance that the responses of others may invalidate, damage, or devalue this central aspect of self. Exposure risks the experience of shame. In extreme circumstances, shame is devastation, associated with a loss of a sense of personal worth."

-The Metaphor of Play: Disruption and Restoration in the Borderline Experience


  1. I've always found it hard to talk about anything that requires some sort of accompanying emotion too. I tend to talk about things from a very detached point of view, usually making sarcastic jokes half the time as well. I think it takes practise - now I actually want to eventually have a normal emotional response to things progress comes more easily, whereas before I was so scared of my feelings that I refused to see it as a problem. It will still be a minor miracle the day that I get through a whole therapy session without giggling inappropriately though :P

  2. I know exactly what you mean. It's frustrating and I think, unfortunately, makes it 10x harder when you can tell them exactly what is they want to hear, things they know and things that are true but because they are words without feelings they are words that mean nothing therefor relatively pointless.